I was 12 years old and in 7th grade.
I was never considered one of the cool kids in most classes, well except for band.
Shocking, right? I mean, look at that hair!
Anyways, on this day, for some reason I was in the back of my 7th grade class, at a table with two of the cool boys. Why were were back there and what we were doing, I am unclear of. What I am clear of is the conversation they had, right in front of me, as if I wasn't even there.
"She'd be pretty though, right? IF ..."
Now I guess I can't really member all of the conversation. But this one line has always been tucked away in the dark junk drawer of my mind. There it sat, hiding away, ready to pop out when the drawer gets too full of other stuff.
I'm also unclear as to what the purpose of this conversation was. I mean, I was literally sitting right next to these boys. There was no way that this was a private conversation between them. No, I was definitely meant to hear it. What I'm 150% clear about is the "if..."
IF I wasn't so fat.
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I have had an amazing couple of weeks running-wise. Two weekends ago, I spent my Friday morning alone in Glacial Park. People talk about horses or whales or dolphins being their spirit animal. Have you ever heard someone say this about an animal? I love animals, but I don't have a spirit animal. If I have anything, it's a spirit place and that is Glacial Park. As I drive the mile down the long driveway to get to the entrance to this park, I always feel like anxiety starts to melt away from my mind and my shoulders decompress a little. I'm able to BREATHE.
I
love
this
place.
I put my headphones on my ears, my yak trax on my feet (there was quite a bit of snow and ice on the trail) and set off. I wanted to do 10 miles out there. Luckily there was a new edition of my favorite podcast, Ten Junk Miles out the couple of days before, so my friends, I mean, the hosts, were there to keep me company for most of the way. Most of the people on this show are ultra-runners. Their dedication and grit amaze me. And mostly, they are hilarious to listen to.
I have my eye on the Earth Day 50K in Sternes Woods in April. I really want to do this race. It will be hard. There is an 8 hour cut off and I think I'll probably be close to it. But I love being out in the woods. I've talked about this before. But these races are SO much harder than any of the other races I've done. Not only is 50K 6 more miles than a marathon, these trail races are grueling; you're climbing huge hills, dodging roots and branches. And it's a loop. You have to come back around to the finish line 4 times before you even hit your last loop. Mentally, that will be tough.
It wouldn't be so out of my reach IF it weren't for those things.
As I walked up the big hills in Glacial and trudged through the snow on the flats and walked some more, I heard the podcast's guest say, "You've got to get comfortable being uncomfortable."
And then I heard the host say, "This sport is not for the impatient."
Yes, these are things I have got to work on. I've gotten too comfortable. Something has to change. I've got to try something different and I feel like this is it. I want to try.
I'm not sure what it was a couple of days ago that make me think of those dumb middle school boys and how much they shamed and embarrassed me all those years ago. It's not like it haunts me or bums me out presently. I mean, I'm bummed out that I didn't have enough courage and self-worth back then to talk back to them. It's a good reminder of where I've come from and where I'm going and how I've come along. If that happened now, I would stand up for myself. In fact,one of the hosts of the podcast, who is notorious for making fat jokes (something that I think stems from his own past and being heavy, but hey, I'm no psychologist and definitely not his. Besides, sometimes I wonder how much he means it and how much he thinks its fun to be subversive) he said something about in some races there is are Athena and Clysdale classes for those participants who are heavier. I shot back on the Facebook page (after a compliment of how hilarious and inspiring the episode was) with "Tell Aaron that I'm in the Athena category and I'm strong and only getting stronger!"
I want to keep challenging myself, not because I'm a loser or unhappy with myself IF I don't finish this race or another like it. But I will be unhappy with myself IF I don't try.
I hope you have a wonderful week, friends! I'm currently training for the Earth Day 50K and thankfully it's a step back week. Only 10 miles this weekend. I'll have to skip my second long run of the weekend as I'm going to a conference from Thursday-Saturday in sunny Peoria! Next Friday I'll be running 18 and I want to do them all in Sternes. We'll see how that goes. But I'll get there by being patient with myself...that's the plan anyways. More next time on my race calendar for the spring and summer! I'll be firming things up with The Running Depot next week on that front. Thanks so much for reading!